To the Mother I wish I Knew

To the Mother I wish I Knew,

I think of you fondly and often. When I pray, I ask the Lord to surround you in full peace.

We've never met and still you are my family. You're as near to my heart as those connected to me through blood.

There's a picture of you in our daughter's room. I have yet to look at it without crying. In the picture Cataleya is looking at you so intensely. She knows you gave her life. I'm forever in debt to you for giving her, and subsequently me, life. You are so beautiful and Cataleya will be so fortunate if she has your lips or nose.

When Cataleya does something new or makes a cute face, I wonder if I'll get to tell you about it someday. Will you call for her 1st birthday? Her 5th? She's perfect, you know. You got all the scary time with her- when she was being whisked away to the ICU and had tubes coming off her and beeping machines. You did the hard stuff- giving consents for major surgery and blood transfusions while being unable to hold her because she was on the ventilator. There are no tubes or machines now, and her personality really shines. I feel a tinge of guilt when I think of all the tough decisions you made for her then, so I get to hold her and kiss her now.

Sometimes children who have been adopted wonder if they were unwanted. I can't tell our daughter much about you,  but I can absolutely tell her she was never unwanted. Beyond the obvious- you carried and birthed her when abortion was a legal and available option- you made a plan to place Cataleya in a family that could give her a great life. And when that family decided not to continue with the adoption, and you had a very sick baby at the hospital, you stayed the course and allowed time for another family to be found... and then another... and then us. You could have let her go into Foster Care. That would have been understandable. After all, you had done what you could to see the adoption plan go through. You were in a position you never planned on for 2 months so Cataleya could have a permanent family. That has the mark of how wanted your baby is. She'll be happy to know that.

I wonder if you like the name we gave her. I wonder if you know the name we gave her. I wonder if you had a name picked out for her in your heart. Do you still think of her by that name?

You should know that we could not love her more than we do. I would absolutely throw myself in front of a train for her. I'm going to spend my whole life protecting her.

She laughs all the time, and we sing songs together. The girl's got a lot to say! She babbles all day long. She is comforted by our voices and soothed when we rock her. She's happy.

You are welcome in our lives. I can't imagine the range of emotions that could be experienced when making contact with us, but I think we could make it work. I'm sending pictures to the agency for you. I nervously imagine how you'll react when you see them. Will you like the way she's dressed? Will you be happy that she's being raised in the church? Our intention is not to erase you from her story. We honor your sacred role in Cataleya's life. We honor you and your sacrifice by loving your daughter.

I think you'll grieve losing her. I hope that it doesn't consume you, though. I hope you finish school and live the life you want. I hope you're happy and fulfilled. That would make Cataleya proud.

Maybe some day- soon or years away- you'll be the Mother that I get to know.

-Teresa