Stuck In My Head

All Of Me by Matt Hammitt:

Afraid to love, something that could break

Could I move on if you were torn away?

And I'm so close to what I can't control

I can't give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole.

You're gonna have all of me

You're gonna have all of me

'Cause you're worth every fallen tear

You're worth facing every fear

You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me is where I'll start

She's a Diva Already

I just talked to the nurse taking care of Cataleya in the hospital. Our girl has been breathing on her own since Friday with no episodes!! Now that her breathing is under control, feeding is our last hurdle before she can come home.

Right now she's taking her feeds through a Nasal Gastric tube in her nose. She's getting 16mL per hour continuously. She's been able to take 6-10mL from a bottle in the past week, but she's been spitting up a little so they gave her a break from bottle feeding this weekend. Yesterday they tried consolidating her feeds into 3hr cycles- 24mL hour one, 24mL hour two, and 0mL hour three- then repeat. She did fine during the day, but she barfed everywhere when they tried to feed her at night. They started the continuous feeds again after that.

The nurse said Cataleya got a "spa treatment" last night since she was covered in throw up. While they were washing and lotioning her up, the nurse rolled her over on her tummy- something she couldn't do before with the breathing machine and healing incision. Cataleya was so happy! She was kicking her legs and looking all around. She was very upset when they got her dressed and flipped her over on her back.

The nurse said Cataleya is very "talkative". She lets them know when her diaper is even a little bit wet or dirty. She is very vocal about her preference to be held rather than put in the bassinet, and she likes sleeping on an incline- not on a flat mattress. I love hearing that. She's got spunk.

I am so thankful that the nurses have taken such great care of Cataleya these past 2 months. They are all she's had. You can tell by talking to them, that these nurses have really taken a personal interest in her. They make sure she's in real clothes and not just white hospital Tshirts. They put bows in her hair, and they're calling her Cataleya even though technically her name is Baby Girl *Legal Last Name*. Every time I've called the hospital, there has been a volunteer "cuddler" in her room holding her.

It's awful for me to be so far away from my baby and not have any control of when I can see her. I feel indebted to these people who care for her now when I can't.

I don't know what's happening, but it's happening fast!

I really want to keep this blog updated and detailed, but the truth is that I haven't known what's going on since this whole process started. Everything is so complicated, and there is no clear cut way to do things or an order to the insanity. Because we are working with another state, we have to be careful that everything is done according to both New York and California standards. I ask a bunch of questions and write down everything everybody tells me, but it's all jibberish and jargon. All I know is that we are going to eventually adopt Cataleya, but it will cost a lot of money, take a lot of time, and I will have to fill out more paperwork than I've ever seen before in my life.

The first email we ever got about Cataleya mentioned something called "Adoption Subsidy". I'm familiar with adoption subsidy in Foster Care adoptions as they are considered special needs adoptions. Our kids continue to receive Medicaid and the same monthly check that they did when they were in Foster care until they are 18. In Cataleya's case, having Medicaid is going to be so beneficial because at the very least we're looking at 2 open heart surgeries in the next 4 years, but she could need any number of specialists and therapy, medications, tube feeds... Even just thinking about the "what ifs" can put us in debt. From my talks with the NY adoption agency and the CA lawyer, and my online reading- the adoption subsidy (Adoption Assistance Payments- AAP) obviously applies in this case since Cataleya has a clear medical condition and a diagnosed syndrome. We needed to get an adoption agency from CA involved to apply for this benefit.

When I first heard from this CA agency this week, the head guy told me that it is very unlikely Cataleya will be approved for AAP/MediCAL. He said the county she was born in is currently only giving AAP to children who have been involved with CPS. He said he might be able to make an argument that if it weren't for us being chosen for her when we were, she would have been taken into foster care and would have been eligible for AAP. He said the last adoption he did where the baby had DiGeorge, the adoptive parents fought with CA for 2 years before being approved. Then he sent me his bill for $4,500 that needs to be paid before he'll even look at any of our paperwork.

I was completely thrown off guard. We only brought in this agency to apply for the AAP, but if we are not going to get the AAP then we don't need them. If we aren't getting the AAP, and I'll be paying for all her medical expenses, then I'm going to need the $4,500 they are charging us. Applying for the AAP is also going to slow down the adoption process, which is KILLING ME!!! When I ask the NY adoption agency and the CA lawyer how to proceed, they tell me to ask the CA agency who won't give me any answers until our check clears. Everyone just keeps asking if we still want to continue with the placement. Of course we want to continue with the placement!! She's our baby!

I'm looking at it like this- if I gave birth to a baby who was sick, we would figure out how to pay for her medical expenses. That's exactly what I'll do now. I hope CA agrees to support Cataleya's adoption by allowing AAP, but if they don't it's not the end of the world. What is bothering me is that my daughter is alone in a hospital and I can't go see her until these people get their paperwork turned in. I don't care what you need to do or how much you're going to charge me to do it as long as we get it done fast.

Even with all that going on, I think we'll still be able to travel next week. We initially were told we could leave on Thursday March 1st. Now they're saying I'll be getting the call saying it's OK to travel on Thursday and we'll actually leave on Saturday the 3rd. Once we're in CA, though, there's no telling how long we'll have to stay. We have plans in place for our 5 year old son and Brandon's job from March 3rd-11th, so hopefully we can work it out from there. So one week from today, I'll be holding my girl- who by the way has been breathing completely on her own since 9pm last night- and all the paperwork stuff and crazy fees won't matter even a little bit.

I can't believe only 5 weeks ago adoption wasn't even on our radar, and next week Cataleya will be wearing her "I love Mommy" onesie and sleeping in my arms.

Getting Ready For The Princess

So everything on our end is all set. Our homestudy should be done tomorrow. All our clearances came through and everyone is sure this will really happen!! Since there is nothing I can do to speed things up, I've just been compulsively shopping for Cataleya and getting everything ready for her arrival.

So much pink!! I love it!!

Personalized binkies

Hairbands- Cataleya has A LOT of hair!
and a bonnet because Mama and Baby are going to see the
Pacific for the 1st time together, and it seemed appropriate.

Obviously she needed a tutu

I put the pink ribbon around the bassinet.

And put some pink lovey blankets in it.

The teeny tiny diapers are all ready!!

Great friends gave Cataleya beautiful blankets- washed and ready!

Working on 2 baby books, because 1 didn't seem like enough

What's wrong with her?

Come on! You know you want to ask, but it's severely inappropriate so you can't. It's OK, I'll just tell you, but after a quick etiquette lesson.

Obviously we never say something is wrong with a child- especially not my child. Cataleya is every kind of right. Handicapped is also a very outdated and offensive term, so don't say that. The best thing to do is to mind your own business when you see a child who has special needs. If you must ask, "What is her diagnosis?" is the least offensive way to do it.

There is no child who is special needs. All children are just children. No child is autistic, retarded, or deformed. There are children who have autism, mental retardation, or physical deformities, but they are always just children first.

Cataleya was born prematurely at 33 weeks gestation. It was immediately evident she had a congenital heart defect. She was diagnosed with hypoplastic right heart syndrome which is just a fancy way of saying the right side of her heart is smaller than the left. This was causing too much blood to be sent to her lungs, so breathing and bottle feeding were difficult for her. Her latch was fantastic, but she would be exhausted after just a few sucks. She had her first heart surgery- a banding procedure- on January 31st. This surgery attempted to limit blood flow to her lungs so she can breath better, and it appears to have done just that. She's still too small to determine what "fix" they will eventually do on her heart, but we'll know more as we prepare for her next surgery around 6 months. The best outcome would be that she would need a final 3rd surgery when she's 4 or 5 years old and then she'll be done with cardiology.

The heart defect tipped the Dr's off that something else might be going on with Cataleya. Further tests revealed that Cataleya has 22q11 deletion- more commonly known as DiGeorge Syndrome. People with 22q11 are missing the 11th strand in their 22nd chromosome. There are several conditions that can be caused by 22q11- heart conditions, cleft palate, developmental delays, distinct physical features like low placed ears and webbed toes, speech and feeding difficulties, and mental illness. 22q11 deletion is not a death sentence. None of the possible complications are guaranteed to happen, they just place the child at a higher risk for things that could happen to anybody. Some people with DiGeorge don't even know they have it until their child is diagnosed and they get tested. 22q11 is not always genetic, but it can be.

Right now Cataleya is recovering from surgery. She's still breathing on a ventilator and being fed through a tube in her nose. The Dr's are optimistic that she'll be breathing on her own and bottle feeding by next month. Her ears and eyes appear to be set typically. She's focusing on faces and smiling which puts her developmentally on target.

I am hopeful for her future. We are going to work with her in Early Intervention Services and keep an eye out for any early signs of mental instability. Her heart condition is correctable, educational difficulties are workable, and healing is possible.

We don't ever want Cataleya to be judged or limited by her diagnosis, so you probably won't hear me talking a whole lot about it. While there shouldn't be stigma attached to conditions like this, there is, and I don't want to set her up to be treated differently than any other child.

Yep, That's my baby

We've gotten some pretty great emails in the past few weeks, but I think this one takes the cake. I checked my email tonight and saw one from the lawyer in CA. The subject was "baby picture".

There was no profound moment of weeping and supernatural connection. I laughed because I think she looks like my husband- right down to his eyebrows. I was so excited to share the picture of my daughter with everyone. I made it the wallpaper on my computer and phone.

I don't feel changed by her. It's as if she's been a part of me forever and now we're just making it official.

That's my baby. I'm her Mom.

I can't wait to have her home.

What's in a name?

On the day our daughter was born, we were completely unaware that across the country our prayers were being answered and our dreams were coming true. We wouldn't know of her arrival for nearly a month.

So on January 2, 2012 Brandon and I rented a movie to watch after the kids went to bed. It's a completely inappropriate murder movie that I will not be letting our daughter watch, but it plays a part in this story. Besides, if I don't fess up that I got the idea for her name from a movie, some smartypants is going to pop up in the comment section and blow me in :) When we were watching the movie, I said to Brandon, "That's a really pretty name. Do you want to put it on our list?" He said sure, because at some point or another every name has been "put on our list"- from Clementine to Isabella. Neither of us knew this day and this name was different. On this day our daughter was being born and she needed a name.
Generally when you have a baby, you know what she will look like based on her parents appearance. When we were told this adoption was a go, we had no idea what the baby or her parents look like. We only had a vague description of her. She is of Mexican heritage, has big brown eyes, and lots of black hair. I knew she needed a feminine name with a little flair. Then I was thinking about what we were doing when she was born.... That's her name!!! It's on our list!!!

Cataleya is derived from Cattleya- a beautiful species of orchid that comes in many colors and can be fragrant. Orchids are very fragile. They need very particular care, but when you give that care they bloom into something spectacular. Just like our baby girl.

Carina is an alternate spelling for the name of baby's First Mom. As son as we heard it, we knew we would use it as Cataleya's middle name. It flows so nicely and it honors the woman who gave the world the gift of Cataleya. I was so pleased when I looked it up later and found out Carina means "beloved" and "pure". That is certainly what we want to her name to mean.

Cataleya Carina,

I can't wait to put a face to this name that was chosen just for you.

Love,
Mommy

Conference Call- It's getting real!

At noon, I called the adoption agency who then called Brandon at work so we could conference together. The person we spoke to heads up the adoption agency. She informed us that out of 6 potential adoptive families, we were chosen by her for this baby. The biological family did not want to be part of the selection process.

We talked about how the original plan for this baby was to have a private adoption with a lawyer and family in CA. When Baby was born with special needs, the original adoptive family backed out. The lawyer in CA is very nervous about that happening again. They need to know that we are completely invested in this Baby, and informed about her special needs.

I babbled on about how we've had kids with special needs more severe than hers, and how we live so close to a top rate Children's hospital. I'm pretty sure I embarrassed myself with some banter about our life's purpose. But what else can you say to someone who is going to give you a baby?

Since this is a special needs adoption, there needs to be an agency in CA involved to set up her Medicaid and SSI. This would make the adoption agency to agency instead of private. I think the only real difference for us is that we now have to pay 2 adoption agencies instead of 1, but we'll have some more support through a system that I know little to nothing about with medicaid.

The call ended very nicely. She told us she never says Congratulations until there is a baby in our arms, but she's happy that we're happy.

After the call, Brandon and I talked. We were stunned. Did that really just happen? Do we have a baby? I think we have a baby...

Dear BirthMother Letter

We were asked by our agency to write a letter to Cataleya's Mother. She has not wanted to know anything about us, but in case she changes her mind it should be available. These letters are called "Dear BirthMother" letters and they are super awkward. You are supposed to show the Mother who you are and that you'll be a good parent for their child in one page. Here's what we came up with:

Hello,

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. We respect the strength you have to make this adoption plan. Our names are Brandon and Teresa. We hope that after reading a little about us, you will find that we can and would love to provide a safe, secure life for your baby.

We met as teenagers at our church youth group 10 years ago. In 2005, we married after three years of dating. Our wedding was everything we could have imagined. It was a small event with our closest friends and family. Teresa was so nervous that she put Brandon's wedding ring on the wrong finger! Everybody laughed and had a great time. We've been enjoying life together ever since. In 2010, we decided to renew our vows on our 5th anniversary and have a big party to celebrate. An Elvis impersonator came to do the ceremony and we wrote our vows to each other.

We bought our house four years ago. It has 3 bedrooms. Our nursery is painted green and light pink. We have a playroom next to the kitchen that is filled with toys and books. Our back yard is fenced and is the perfect area to play in the sprinkler or eat lunch under our tree in the summer, jump into a big pile of crunchy leaved in the fall, and make snowmen in the winter. At the end of our street is the community recreation center. There is a playground and a baseball and soccer field. Little league teams play every Saturday in the summer, and we look forward to bringing our children there to watch and play. We live in a city that has so many fun things to do. We love to go to the zoo, museums, and all of the festivals happening all year. Also important, is the children's hospital that is 10 minutes away from our house. It is a highly ranked center with top notch specialists and a developmental services program.

Three years ago, we knew we wanted to devote our lives to helping children, and decided to become foster parents. Since 2009 we have welcomed 6 children into our hearts and home, and helped 4 of them move back to their families. It has been an exciting journey. We have learned a lot about children with special needs through the experience with our children. We brought home a 3lb preemie who was born at 30 weeks and watched him grow into a walking, talking 1yr old when he left to live with his Dad. Our oldest child was 4 yrs old when he was placed with us. He needed 8 surgeries in the past year that we have been with him through, and he's doing very well now. We have worked with speech and physical therapists in the early intervention program, and special education teachers in our school district to help our children be their best. We love being a foster family, but the opportunity to become a forever family to a child through adoption is our ultimate dream.

Faith and family are the biggest portions of our lives. Sunday mornings are spent in church with great friends, and Sunday evenings are spent having dinner with our family. We are Christians, and we believe that God wants us to love other people and treat everyone with respect. We teach this to our children by living what we believe. Teresa's parents live close to us and we see them almost everyday- whether it's taking walks in the mall or coming over for dinner. Brandon has three of his six siblings living close by, and we get together often. Our family has loved every child we brought into our lives through foster care and they can not wait for us to add to the family through adoption. We feel so lucky to have them so close and willing to babysit.

Parenting special needs children is a destiny we have been building up to our whole lives. Teresa was an only child and always dreamed of one day having a big family. Brandon was born to a young Mother who couldn't give him the life she wanted him to have, so he was raised by his Grandmother. Teresa studied Early Childhood Development in college and taught preschool for four years before becoming a stay at home Mom to our foster children. We have both taught vacation Bible school, counseled at summer camp, and worked in our church's children's ministries since we were teenagers. We have cared for children with autism spectrum disorder, pervasive developmental delays, oppositional defiance disorder, feeding tubes, broviac central lines, tracheotomy tubes,fetal alcohol effect, and prenatal drug exposure. These experiences of longing for family and realizing that children with special needs can enjoy life as much as anyone else with the right support led us to the decision to pursue parenting special needs children.

Thank you again for getting to know us better as you consider adoption for your child. We are happy to answer any questions you may have and would love to hear from you. We wish you the best with your decision.

-Brandon and Teresa

Relief and Roadblocks

It had only been 12hrs when we got our first piece of good news and our first panic that this would not be our adoption.

At 11am on Saturday 1/28, I got a call from the adoption agency. She said they would love to consider us, but because we are foster parents and our homestudy is through the Department of Human Services we would need their approval to adopt and use their homestudy. She said sometimes DHS does not allow families who have (foster) children in their home to adopt privately or use their Fost/Adopt homestudy. The agency needs DHS to write a letter on letterhead giving us permission to pursue adoption and fax that over with our homestudy.

At 11am on Monday 1/30, I speak to our DHS homefinding caseworker who says she can certainly send over what the adoption agency need.

Tuesday, 1/31, DHS let me know that they were sending over all of our information- like SCR clearances and fingerprints to help our process move faster.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012- I get an email from the adoption agency. DHS sent over all the right papers, but it may not mean anything. Baby has been in the hospital for a month with no family. The county wants to place her in foster care because they believe if there hasn't been a family found yet, there probably won't ever be. I am the foster care system. I know how happy a foster family would be to get that call from DFACS saying they can pick up their baby. I know they would love her, and probably adopt her eventually. I expected this kind of end, and it was over. Or so I thought...

Friday, February 3, 2012-  At 10am, I accepted the foster care placement of a 22 month boy. He was brought to our home at noon. At 7pm, I receive an email from the agency, " am so happy to report that after much advocacy, the law firm has agreed to consider adoption for this baby rather than have her go into county custody. I am hoping you and your husband are genuinely interested in being considered for Baby "...

I was so excited!! So overwhelmed!!! Still really skeptical...

Over the weekend we made plans to do a conference call with the adoption agency, our adoption agency, on Monday. We also were going to speak to the baby's Dr in California on Tuesday.

This is the start of something good.