Sometimes

I recite Cataleya's medical history several times per week to various professionals. It rolls off my tongue as effortlessly as a Starbucks order.

Sometimes, though, I actually hear what I'm saying: obstructed airway, missing ventricle, oxygen requirement, increased risk of sudden death.

When I step back and look at Cataleya through human eyes (like I would look at any other kid) instead of Mommy eyes (like together we can get through anything) I feel like I have an obstructed airway, missing ventricle, oxygen requirement,and increased risk of sudden death. It all looks too big and too scary for a tiny baby. I've had several of those moments in the past 2 weeks where it hits me how sick Cataleya is and it seems overwhelming.

In those moments, I feel completely inadequate. I want to fix her. I want to be some kind of super -Christian -prayer warrior who believes that the Doctors will take another look at Cataleya's tests and find that her heart and airway are perfectly in tact, then we'll go on the 700club and testify about the Lord's goodness. At the very least, I don't want to be so scared.

The truth is, that I'm just a girl who had a thought 6 years ago that it would be really fulfilling to be a Mom. This was not the story I expected. I spend a large portion of my time just holding myself together. I have no idea how to balance to multiple stories in my life right now. Foster Care and Adoption both require 100% and I can't quite keep up with either.

Sometimes I bury myself in facts and clinical stuff to protect my emotions. Sometimes I yell at my husband when we both know he's done nothing wrong.

But..

All of the time, it's worth it.